WORLD LEADERS DEMAND TRUMP RETURN THE ARK OF THE COVENANT, BUT HE WANTS TO PUT IT ON “THE GOLF TOUR!”

“The Ark’s gonna do wonders for my swing,” he says.

Mar-a-Lago, Florida – In what experts are calling the most bizarre theological controversy of the century, former President Donald Trump is refusing to hand over what many believe is the real Ark of the Covenant. Instead, he’s reportedly planning to “take it on the PGA Tour.”

“I’ve talked to the golf people—amazing people,” Trump said in a press conference held in front of a giant mural of himself arm-wrestling Moses. “They agree the Ark could really spice up the game. Imagine it: I bring the Ark, I win every tournament—no contest. People will love it. Huge ratings. It’s gonna be like the Superbowl of golf, but bigger.”

THE ARK’S “OTHERWORLDLY” POWERS

Things took a turn for the surreal when Trump claimed the Ark is helping him “manifest better business deals” and “make my steaks even juicier.” Mar-a-Lago staff have reported strange phenomena since the Ark’s arrival, including glowing pools, talking squirrels, and one particularly ambitious houseplant that now owns shares in Tesla.

“I touched it by accident while cleaning,” said Juan, a maintenance worker. “Next thing I know, I’m fluent in Aramaic and playing chess against a raccoon in the garden. I lost.”

WORLD LEADERS OUTRAGED

Religious leaders and archaeologists alike are demanding the Ark’s return. But Trump remains unfazed, insisting, “If Ethiopia or whoever wanted it back, they should’ve asked me before I bought it at a Mar-a-Lago charity auction. Great deal, by the way. The best deal.”

An anonymous Vatican insider revealed that the Pope is “very concerned,” but Trump has reportedly offered a compromise: “Maybe I’ll let the Pope borrow it for Easter or whatever. As long as he doesn’t try to touch it—no one touches it but me and maybe Kid Rock.”

AN ARK-Y APOCALYPSE IN FLORIDA?

Reports of Florida-centric plagues are rising, but skeptics are unsure if the Ark is to blame or if it’s just… Florida. “We’ve had frogs, locusts, and fire ants attacking people in Margaritaville shirts,” said one local resident. “But honestly, that’s every Wednesday.”

Mar-a-Lago chefs also report an Ark-related incident where a soufflé ballooned into a cloud so large it blocked the sun. “It’s the best soufflé anyone’s ever seen,” Trump declared. “It eclipsed the sun, folks. That’s power. That’s Ark power.”

IS IT DIVINE… OR DIVIDENDS?

Rumor has it that Trump is in talks with MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell to market “Ark Replicas for Patriots,” complete with stone tablets that say “Make Israel Great Again.” A leaked promotional slogan reads: “Own a piece of biblical history for just $19.95—or four easy payments of $5,000.”

Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists on the internet are abuzz. One user claimed, “The Ark is a deep-state time machine that Trump will use to reset the election.” Another suggested the Ark contains a VHS copy of Shazaam, the nonexistent Sinbad movie.

THE FINAL WORD

As for Trump’s ultimate plans? Sources close to him say he’s trying to find out if the Ark can power a golf cart or launch a Space Force rocket. “Maybe I’ll use it for a reality show,” Trump mused. “Ark Apprentice. I’ll have priests, rabbis, and maybe Tom Hanks compete for the chance to guard the Ark. Ratings gold.”

Will Trump unlock the secrets of the Ark—or just use it to cut the line at Disney World? Only time will tell.

Next Week in Weekly World News: Does the Ark Have a Built-In Wi-Fi Hotspot? Scientists say… probably!