Field Guide to the Wild Updo: Surviving High Hair Encounters in the Urban Jungle
Daniel Conderman 
Congratulations, civilian. You’ve just spotted an Updo in the wild. Whether you’re at a farmer’s market, suburban Panera, or the checkout line at Hobby Lobby, don’t panic. These majestic cranial constructions are not to be feared—but they are to be understood. Your safety (and dignity) depends on it.
🧭 STEP 1: Identify the Subspecies
Use the chart below to classify what you’re dealing with. Approach accordingly.
| Updo Type | Description | Origin | Warning Signs |
|---|---|---|---|
| Amish/Mennonite Updo | Low bun. Zero frizz. Tighter than your last budget. May be bonneted. | Religious tradition | Plain dress, no makeup, may arrive by horse. |
| Wedding-Only Glam Updo | Sculpted loops, braids, and industrial hairspray. Structurally engineered. | One-time event | Nervous laughter, clutch purse, rhinestone fallout. |
| Everyday Power Updo | Bold. Commanding. Gravity-defying. She’s not playing—this is lifestyle. | Personal brand | Tracksuit + pearls. Possibly wielding a clipboard. |
Reminder: Never assume a bun is “just a bun.” That’s how amateurs get burned.
🕵️ STEP 2: Determine the Intent
This is where good instincts separate the respectful observer from the walking faux pas.
- Religious?
Proceed with reverence. Keep your volume low and your questions lower. - Event-based?
You may offer light praise: “Wow, you look incredible—big day?” Do not mention weather, humidity, or “how long it took.” She’s hanging on by a bobby pin and prayer. - Everyday Flex?
Assume she’s already sent five emails and crushed someone in pickleball. Keep it short and respectful.
🧠 STEP 3: Interact Appropriately
Choose your words wisely.
| If It’s… | Say This | Avoid This |
|---|---|---|
| Amish | “Good morning.” (nod optional) | Selfies. Hair questions. Anything about TikTok. |
| Wedding Glam | “Congratulations—stunning look.” | “Is that real hair?” or “How long were you in the chair?” |
| Power Updo | “Loving the vibe. Totally working it.” | “So… is that for something or…?” |
🧰 EMERGENCY TIPS
Treat these like you would a bear encounter or surprise PTA meeting.
- If you see bobby pins glinting in the sun:
Increase your Respect Radius™ by at least five feet. That is not a casual situation. - If the hair doesn’t move in wind:
Back away slowly. This updo has been professionally reinforced. You are not qualified to comment. - If paired with Crocs:
Run. That’s a woman who has transcended social norms. She does not fear you, and she will win.
Conclusion:
An Updo isn’t just a hairstyle. It’s a statement. A cultural artifact. A battle standard hoisted high on the battlefield of womanhood. Respect it, recognize it, and remember: you don’t tame the Updo. You survive it.
