Daniel Conderman 
Or: “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Laugh at the Dumbest Fake Legal Doc on the Internet”
Wow! You actually thought you wrote a Terms of Service. That’s adorable. Did your “lawyer” fax it to you from a Burger King Wi-Fi hotspot using a dot matrix printer and vibes? Because this ain’t a real legal document. This is a LARP in Comic Sans.
Let’s break it down.
🧠“Our lawyers made us include this…”
Stop right there.
You have lawyers? Like, real ones with law degrees and bar membership? Because judging by the tone and structure of this doc, it was written by a guy who lost a debate with a YouTube comment and decided to practice maritime law from his car.
If this was reviewed by a legal team, they must’ve graduated from the University of Reddit School of Freemen on the Land.
🎠Tone: “Wacky but legally binding!”
You’re trying to be cute with stuff like “don’t call us,” “you’re stuck with this,” and “don’t post mean stuff or we’ll tell your mom.” But here’s the thing: you can’t hide bad legal reasoning behind a slapstick tone. That’s like building a rocket out of pizza boxes and Sharpie-ing NASA logos on the side.
It’s not charming. It’s legally incoherent. You’re not even pretending to understand jurisdiction, consent, contract law, or the difference between Florida and the Internet.
🛑 The Sovereign Citizen Dilemma
Let me get this straight. You’re part of a sovereign citizen movement (or at least vibing close to one), which means:
- You reject U.S. citizenship.
- You reject federal law, state law, and anything that smells like taxes, licenses, or accountability.
- You think ZIP codes are corporate constructs and courts are just “admiralty courts with gold fringe flags.”
But then suddenly, when someone breaks your imaginary site rules, you’re like:
“We’ll sue you in Common Law court in Port Charlotte, Florida!”
BRO. WHAT?!
You don’t even believe in citizenship, but you’re gonna drag someone to court in a jurisdiction you claim doesn’t apply to you? How does that work? You can’t claim to be “stateless” while also screaming, “I’LL SEE YOU IN FLORIDA SMALL CLAIMS COURT, BUCKO.”
Pick a lane, Captain Constitution.
đź“ť “If you post it, we own it.”
You say you own anything posted on your site, and then brag about mailing it to someone’s mom. What are you, twelve?
Also: possession of content ≠transfer of copyright. You can’t just say “We own it now” like a toddler grabbing a toy and yelling “MINE.” You need something real—like a legally enforceable assignment of rights, not a paragraph written in the style of a Mountain Dew commercial from 1996.
đź’© Your Legal Language is Garbage
“We can even send it to your mother (as soon as we find her address).”
Cool. I hope your court filings are just as edgy. Maybe you can doodle little swords next to your headings while the judge explains that your “Top Ten Rules for Cybersurfers” don’t meet any legal standard recognized by actual humans.
And your line about the Geneva Convention? Chef’s kiss. Because when I think about intellectual property disputes, I definitely think about war crimes. You’re about one clause away from demanding trial by combat in the Waffle House parking lot.
🧟‍♂️ Jurisdiction? Never heard of her.
You try to enforce Florida law, except when you’re also a free-roaming citizen of no nation, and the software apparently shouldn’t be downloaded in North Korea.
So to recap:
- You claim total ownership of user content.
- You deny any responsibility for literally anything that happens.
- You claim legal authority you don’t recognize.
- You threaten international embargo compliance while probably not knowing how DNS works.
This isn’t a Terms of Service. It’s a sovereign citizen fanfic with a head injury.
⚖️ Final Roast: You’re Not a Website, You’re a Meltdown
You’re not a legal entity. You’re not a business. You’re not a jurisdiction. You’re a keyboard warrior with delusions of grandeur. And this TOS is the digital version of duct-taping your business card to a squirrel and calling it an LLC.
If you ever do sue someone using this document, please let me know. I want front-row seats at the trial where the judge asks you about “Dragon Industries,” and you respond with a monologue about admiralty law and how your name is written in capital letters so it’s not legally you.
In Conclusion:
Your TOS is what happens when someone prints out a cereal box sweepstakes disclaimer, mixes in sovereign citizen propaganda, sprinkles some Microsoft Clippy humor, and says, “Yeah, this is legally binding now.”
No, it’s not. It’s barely English.
Go home. Rewrite this. And maybe talk to a real lawyer this time—preferably one who doesn’t host a conspiracy podcast from their RV.
