CB Trucker’s Guide to Snappy Put-Downs & Roadside Roasts: A Handbook for the Open Road Trash-Talker

Foreword: Keep Your CB Hot and Your Insults Hotter

The road is long, the loads are heavy, and sometimes, the only thing keeping you entertained on the highway is a good ol’ CB roast session. Whether you’re clapping back at a slowpoke, calling out a rookie, or just making sure the airwaves stay lively, this book has the snappy insults and trucker put-downs you need to stay on top. Keep it fun, keep it light, and remember: if they can’t handle the heat, they shouldn’t be idling in your lane!

Chapter 1: Classic CB Comebacks

These old-school burns have been making the rounds on CB channels for years, and they never fail to hit the mark.

🔊 “Your truck’s got more rattles than a daycare at nap time!”
🔊 “You drive like my granny… and she’s been in reverse since ‘92!”
🔊 “Your gears grind louder than your ex-wife’s lawyer!”
🔊 “Your rig’s so slow, I passed you in a parking lot!”
🔊 “I’d tell you to put the hammer down, but I see you already lost it!”

Chapter 2: Mommas, Wives, and Home Alone Roasts

What’s a CB roast without some good-natured ribbing about what’s happening back home?

🔊 “Your wife’s like a rest stop—everybody pulls in, but nobody stays too long!”
🔊 “You been out so long, even the dog don’t recognize you anymore!”
🔊 “Your old lady’s got more traffic than the weigh station on a holiday weekend!”
🔊 “Your kid calls your dispatcher ‘Dad’ now!”
🔊 “I’d ask if your wife misses you, but she’s too busy to answer!”

Chapter 3: Slowpokes, Four-Wheelers, and Road Hogs

For the ones clogging the lanes and killing your schedule.

🔊 “You’re so slow, I could’ve delivered and retired before you hit the next exit!”
🔊 “You must be paid by the hour ‘cause you sure ain’t paid to move!”
🔊 “I’d flash my high beams at you, but I don’t wanna wake you up!”
🔊 “Your truck’s so weak, even the speed limit signs are laughing!”
🔊 “If you go any slower, I’m gonna start charging you rent on the highway!”

Chapter 4: Roasting Dispatch and the Boss Man

Because sometimes the real enemy is the guy sitting at a desk.

🔊 “My dispatcher’s idea of ‘quick pay’ is a calendar with no dates!”
🔊 “You want me to haul what, where, and for how much? You been sniffing diesel fumes again?!”
🔊 “I got a better chance of seeing Bigfoot than a fair load from this company!”
🔊 “Dispatcher says ‘just one more stop’ like I don’t know that’s a lie!”
🔊 “My paycheck’s lighter than my empty trailer!”

Chapter 5: One-Liner Speed-Roasts for Fast Talkers

Quick-fire CB zingers to keep ‘em laughing (or crying).

🔊 “Hammer down, or pull over and start a garden!”
🔊 “Your truck’s got less power than a used-up AA battery!”
🔊 “You drive like you just Googled how!”
🔊 “Your fuel tank’s got more leaks than your dispatcher’s promises!”
🔊 “I’ve seen tighter turns in a kindergarten parking lot!”

Afterword: Keep It Fun, Keep It Rolling

CB smack talk is an art, a tradition, and most of all, a damn good way to pass the time. Whether you’re in a heated exchange or just dropping some laughs over the airwaves, keep it light, keep it clever, and don’t take it too seriously. Now get back on the road, and keep those one-liners coming!

10-4, good buddy! 🚛💨